So it's been a long time since I've updated my blog and I finally decided to do it today.  

My life so far, it's been okay. Not very happy though..... I barely passed my exams and my parents told me that if I retain, I'd migrate to Philippines and study there instead. Surprisingly, I was promoted. I mean I'm fine with being promoted with all my friends and stuff but at the same time, I really want to migrate and have a new life. Forget everything I did here in Singapore. Especially all the bullshit. But I'm fine with whatever. 

And so, it's been months since I've talked to Joanne and I finally got over her. Or at least I thought did. I saw her in church today, standing right in front of me. And I looked at her and remembered how pretty she was. How beautiful she is. And now, after seeing her, I miss her more than I ever have. I miss her so damn badly. Talking to her all day, going to church together and just sitting alone, talking, cuddling, hugging, her lying on my shoulder. I miss it all. I don't know what to do anymore. I miss her but she obviously wouldn't care about me anymore. I want to talk to her so badly. I miss her. I just want her back so badly. I really need her. But there's nothing I can do anymore. She used to be my best friend. She promised me that we would stay friends no matter what happens to us. But i guess promises are meant to be broken. I just really need to get everything off my mind. I can't wait to just go back to the Philippines and just spend time with my whole family. Hopefully I can somehow convince my parents to let me migrate 

Bad week

So it's been going really well with her. Till this week. We had a fight. Or at least I think we did. We were both at church together with some other friends. I was stupid. I kept talking about Kelley. It made her jealous. She thinks I would like her. I would never. That's kind of disgusting. I was only talking about her because I was going to attend mass with her. She wants to attend attend alone so I'll let her. But I don't like attending mass alone so I need someone to attend with. But I just ended up serving. Because of all the company, I never get to talk to her. I can't even get a proper hug. But I guess she doesn't mid it as much as I do. I'm trying my best to talk to her every time so there wouldn't be any awkward silence. I'm not really shy when I'm with her now. Just not a but shy when it comes to cuddling. Which we can't do until we're together. We still get to hold hand though. But I'm probably going to die during this break. I'm probably not going to be celebrating my birthday with her anymore because I'm sure se doesn't want to. It's okay. I'm just going to sleep. Also may quit servers by April or something. N levels is next year. I'm going to start studying. I really want to graduate at sec 4 so I can graduate the same time as her. I wouldn't want her to wait for me. Need to get 11 points and below for N levels. It's going to be hard. But I'm willing to do it for her. If we even last that long. Which I hope we do.

New Years

So, it's New Years Eve. About 3 hours more till 2013. And I've got to say, 2012 was the worst year of my life. I mean there are some highlights. But very few. One of the main one is obviously getting the girl I've been chasing after for 10 months. But she kind of ruined my New Years mood because she thinks I've been lying to her about something. I mean I know I lied to her sometimes but it doesn't mean I lied about EVERYTHING I said. But it doesn't matter now. In a couple of hours it would be last year. Anyway, another one of the highlights is well moving on to Secondary 3. I was actually surprised I was promoted because I was the last in class. I never even studied at all. Kind of a miracle but still a good thing. And also all the time I've been out with my bros. Roy, Immanuel and Marc. They're my 3 closest friends. I would never want to lose them. We even planned to go bar hopping on the day where all 4 of us are legal. And we'll yeah. Those are pretty much all my highlights. Not so many, but that's why this year sucked. Even my birthday sucked. Which was no surprise. Haven't had a good birthday in years. I doubt I'll have a good one next year so I just plan to sleep all day on my birthday. Anyway, this year wasn't as fun as I expected it to be. It has been a really emotional one for me. Especially the 10 months I waited for the girl I've wanted. I mean all the times I've went out with her or something ware really special to me. But it was still really emotional. It was mostly happy times but I felt that we had more fights than good times. Now that I have her, I kind of thing I was stupid for waiting this long for a girl when there are other. But I'm glad I was stupid enough to do it. Because it was totally worth it. I'm glad I tried. I'm glad I fought for her. I'm glad that I stayed strong. I'm happier with her. But the thing about 2013 is that I'll barely get to see her... I'm going to miss her more than I have. But it's school. Everyone has to go. I still think I'm bad at relationships though. I'm a shy guy. I can't make the first move. Which is stupid. I'm the guy. I have to make the first move. But I just can't knowing she isn't over her ex. I just sometimes think that whenever we cuddle or something, she'll wish it was her ex instead of me. But never mind. That's why I'm not making my move until I'm more comfortable with her and when she's over her ex. Anyway, that's pretty much it. Well except for the fact that this was the most emotional week ever. Helping two friends with their relationship problem. By myself. But it worked out for both of them. I think.
Hmmmm. New year resolutions.
Work hard, be productive, don't make any teacher hate me, sleep only for a maximum of 2 hours in class, make my relationships work out, no more smoking, work out more, keep all the friends I have, no more fighting, love the girl love with all my heart. That's pretty much all I can think of. Yup. Happy new year everyone

So the most fucked up shittiest thing happened at like 1 in the morning. We just had another fight. This time I think it's permanent. For some fucking fucked up reason, we have to fight every single fucking week. I really fucking hate fighting with her. But this fight is the stupidest fight ever. She just never believes me when I call her pretty or beautiful. She thinks just because I kept calling her a fat ugly bitch last year, I won't ever find her pretty at all. That's fucking bullshit. How does she even know if I was kidding or not. She doesn't even know the REAL reason why I always called her all that bullshit. She doesn't know the REAL reason why I only started calling her all that this year and not last year. She did ask, but I didn't bother answering. I was too pissed off. Just because of one small thing, we're back to being 'enemies' or some shit. She may not see it that way but I do. Maybe she would understand if she knew the REAL reason, but I really can't be bothered anymore. She wants it this way. So let her have it this way. And last week, I even wrote the longest apology letter to her. It's the longest fucking letter I've ever written. It's fucking 6 pages(3 papers). It took me literally 3 fucking hours to write it. I haven't given it to her yet. But I guess there's no point giving it now. I should probably just burn it or something. She wouldn't want it anyway. Looks like it really IS time to get over her . I love her too much for me to do that. Even after what happened. But I doubt we're ever gonna talk to each other again. But anyway, I blame myself for this fight. It was obviously my fault for getting pissed off first. I can't blame her. I get pissed to easily. But fighting ever week, that's just really fucked up. I just want at least a month without fighting. But that won't really happen, because, well, it's over. Permanently I think. But I really love her. I can't get over her very easily. But I guess I'll have to try. I'm going to end up kill myself too. The way I played keeper today, was stupid. I purposely do stupid saves so I could get more injured. And it worked. I got kicked really hard in the stomach, 3 people stepped my injured hand, 2 people stepped on my right leg, and I just didn't both catching the ball so it would hit my body really hard or something. But who cares. No one would care anyway. But, the most amazing thing happened today too. My BFF ring, which I lost a few weeks ago on the st pats field, I found it. Fucking miracle. Seriously. I don't know whether I should keep or not..... If I do keep it, I'll just end up thinking of her every time I look at it which is a bad thing since I'm trying to get over her(which may never happen)... But if I don't keep it, I won't have anything to remember her of... I most likely going to delete my conversation with her... Which sucks. Sometimes, when I'm feeling really down, I go back to our conversation from July and remember how fun it was being best friends with her. My only wish is to get all that back... No emotions, no fights, just fun and awesome. That wish may never come true, unfortunately, but at least it was fun while it lasted. 1 year and 4 months being best friends with her. Best fucking time of my life. Even if we did have fights, she's still the best fucking thing that has ever happened to me. I love her for that. But now, it looks like this friendship will be permanently over. I'm going to miss her. A lot. A whole fucking lot. Like the times where would go to church early just to talk alone, talking about random stuff, being there for each other. It's all over. I want that wish to come true so badly. But if that doesn't happen, I just wish my next girl best friend would be JUST like her. Cute, pretty, beautiful, funny, horny, loving, always there for you, caring, fun, awesome, short and the fucking best best friend in the world. I want who ever it will be to be just like her. Even her flaws. If I ever get a friend like that, or even HER again, I would treasure every single moment with her. I would try my best to help her. Make her feel good about herself. Make her the happiest girl ever. I don't ever want to lose someone like her ever again. It will hurt too much. I won't be able to take it. I just want someone like her. Please. Maybe even her. But she probably wouldn't want that. So all I'm asking is for someone just like her. I don't care about her flaws. As long as she is just like her.

She wants to know why I think I deserve this pain. Well, it's because she meant the fucking worls to me. And on a day where I was happy as fuck, she ruined. Just by saying we shouldn't be together. I loved her so fucking much. I would die for her. But suicide is never a good idea. Cutting myself is stupid. So I just thought, why not just stick my current injury. Maybe make it even worse. Yeah. I deserve the pain. She meant everything to me. Then we just split. I hope she knows how much I loved her. Even now. I may not show it anymore, but I'm sure as fuck that I'm still madly in love with her. I just really deserve it. Because I was stupid. I knew she would never like me. Never love me. But I still decided to go for her anyway because I love her. That isn't the real me. The real me would just give up after a week or so. But no. I waited 8 months just for that one girl. 8 months to prove my love for her. She changed me. I love her for that. But never mind. We're back to being friends now. If she thinks she likes the old me, where I used to insult her a lot and tease her and not give a shit, then go ahead. It's her decision. I'm fine as long as I'm friends with her.

I just want her back. I want to hug her one more time. I miss her. I love her. I really need her. But there isn't anything I can do. This is just the best holiday every huh. My arm is also very close to being fractured and I'm not giving a shit. Because you know what? I obviously deserve this pain. Because I'm not good enough for her or anybody. It's as close to suiciding as I can get

I really can't take it. I love her too much. I have to talk to her. Or at least someone who can help me. I miss her. And I'm even more sad now cuz I lost our friendship ring..... I should really just die. I'm no good enough for anyone. I don't deserve to live. I should just suicide

No matter how hard I try, I don't think I'll ever get over. I loved her so much. I think of her everyday, every hour. I dream of her every night. I miss her too much. But there's nothing I can do. I miss her too fucking much but she doesn't want me....