So the most fucked up shittiest thing happened at like 1 in the morning. We just had another fight. This time I think it's permanent. For some fucking fucked up reason, we have to fight every single fucking week. I really fucking hate fighting with her. But this fight is the stupidest fight ever. She just never believes me when I call her pretty or beautiful. She thinks just because I kept calling her a fat ugly bitch last year, I won't ever find her pretty at all. That's fucking bullshit. How does she even know if I was kidding or not. She doesn't even know the REAL reason why I always called her all that bullshit. She doesn't know the REAL reason why I only started calling her all that this year and not last year. She did ask, but I didn't bother answering. I was too pissed off. Just because of one small thing, we're back to being 'enemies' or some shit. She may not see it that way but I do. Maybe she would understand if she knew the REAL reason, but I really can't be bothered anymore. She wants it this way. So let her have it this way. And last week, I even wrote the longest apology letter to her. It's the longest fucking letter I've ever written. It's fucking 6 pages(3 papers). It took me literally 3 fucking hours to write it. I haven't given it to her yet. But I guess there's no point giving it now. I should probably just burn it or something. She wouldn't want it anyway. Looks like it really IS time to get over her . I love her too much for me to do that. Even after what happened. But I doubt we're ever gonna talk to each other again. But anyway, I blame myself for this fight. It was obviously my fault for getting pissed off first. I can't blame her. I get pissed to easily. But fighting ever week, that's just really fucked up. I just want at least a month without fighting. But that won't really happen, because, well, it's over. Permanently I think. But I really love her. I can't get over her very easily. But I guess I'll have to try. I'm going to end up kill myself too. The way I played keeper today, was stupid. I purposely do stupid saves so I could get more injured. And it worked. I got kicked really hard in the stomach, 3 people stepped my injured hand, 2 people stepped on my right leg, and I just didn't both catching the ball so it would hit my body really hard or something. But who cares. No one would care anyway. But, the most amazing thing happened today too. My BFF ring, which I lost a few weeks ago on the st pats field, I found it. Fucking miracle. Seriously. I don't know whether I should keep or not..... If I do keep it, I'll just end up thinking of her every time I look at it which is a bad thing since I'm trying to get over her(which may never happen)... But if I don't keep it, I won't have anything to remember her of... I most likely going to delete my conversation with her... Which sucks. Sometimes, when I'm feeling really down, I go back to our conversation from July and remember how fun it was being best friends with her. My only wish is to get all that back... No emotions, no fights, just fun and awesome. That wish may never come true, unfortunately, but at least it was fun while it lasted. 1 year and 4 months being best friends with her. Best fucking time of my life. Even if we did have fights, she's still the best fucking thing that has ever happened to me. I love her for that. But now, it looks like this friendship will be permanently over. I'm going to miss her. A lot. A whole fucking lot. Like the times where would go to church early just to talk alone, talking about random stuff, being there for each other. It's all over. I want that wish to come true so badly. But if that doesn't happen, I just wish my next girl best friend would be JUST like her. Cute, pretty, beautiful, funny, horny, loving, always there for you, caring, fun, awesome, short and the fucking best best friend in the world. I want who ever it will be to be just like her. Even her flaws. If I ever get a friend like that, or even HER again, I would treasure every single moment with her. I would try my best to help her. Make her feel good about herself. Make her the happiest girl ever. I don't ever want to lose someone like her ever again. It will hurt too much. I won't be able to take it. I just want someone like her. Please. Maybe even her. But she probably wouldn't want that. So all I'm asking is for someone just like her. I don't care about her flaws. As long as she is just like her.

She wants to know why I think I deserve this pain. Well, it's because she meant the fucking worls to me. And on a day where I was happy as fuck, she ruined. Just by saying we shouldn't be together. I loved her so fucking much. I would die for her. But suicide is never a good idea. Cutting myself is stupid. So I just thought, why not just stick my current injury. Maybe make it even worse. Yeah. I deserve the pain. She meant everything to me. Then we just split. I hope she knows how much I loved her. Even now. I may not show it anymore, but I'm sure as fuck that I'm still madly in love with her. I just really deserve it. Because I was stupid. I knew she would never like me. Never love me. But I still decided to go for her anyway because I love her. That isn't the real me. The real me would just give up after a week or so. But no. I waited 8 months just for that one girl. 8 months to prove my love for her. She changed me. I love her for that. But never mind. We're back to being friends now. If she thinks she likes the old me, where I used to insult her a lot and tease her and not give a shit, then go ahead. It's her decision. I'm fine as long as I'm friends with her.

I just want her back. I want to hug her one more time. I miss her. I love her. I really need her. But there isn't anything I can do. This is just the best holiday every huh. My arm is also very close to being fractured and I'm not giving a shit. Because you know what? I obviously deserve this pain. Because I'm not good enough for her or anybody. It's as close to suiciding as I can get